The Top 14 Worst Things About Autumn [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] 14 Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted. 13 Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe. 12 Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up. 11 Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy. 10 Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red. 9 Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced. 8 Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these? 7 Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January. 6 Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs. 5 Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick. 4 Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober." 3 Like the autumn leaves, that pair of underwear you've been wearing every day this summer begins to change to golden browns and yellows. 2 End of the summer state fair season means members of The Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub. 1 Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).