To: 'Sparky' Subject: Redneck YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: 1. The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone. 2. When it rains, there are more pots and pans in your living room than in your kitchen. 3. Your vacation plans center around the rattlesnake roundup. 4. Directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road'. 5. You ask for a senior citizen discount in a topless bar. 6. You have to dress up the kids to go to K-Mart. 7. You've ever tried to jump-start the battery in your watch. 8. In your view, duct tape is a long-term investment. 9. You always have to sign a release at the car wash. 10. The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic. 11. Your lawn mower says, "moo". 12. No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side. 13. Anyone in your family has taken a UFO ride lately. 14. Your TV remote control is your son Junior. 15. You refer to hot sex as relative humidity. 16. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. 17. The local blood mobile is an ice cream truck on weekends. 18. Your carpet used to be part of the football field. 19. Your family business requires a lookout. 20. You've experienced inflated air bags more than 15 times. 21. Your wife answers to 'Cuz". 22. Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law. 23. You've ever been involved in a fist fight over the last piece of fried okra. 24. You cried the day your son tapped his first keg. 25. You've ever fixed your false teeth with a glue gun. 26. You don't buy hothouse tomatoes because you think they're stolen. 27. Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?" 28. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 29. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. 30. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 31. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?" 32. You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 33. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.