Some of these are new: YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree * If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter * If your property has been mistaken for a recycling center * If your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years * If you burn your yard rather than mow it * If you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive * If the Salvation Army declines your mattress * If your entire family ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one * If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it * If you have the local taxidermist on speed dial * If you come back from the dump with more than you took * If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything * If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table * If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat * If your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list * If you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys * If you think a subdivision is part of a math problem * If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap * If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog * If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell * If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture * If you took a fishing pole to Sea World * If you go to the stock car races and don't need a program * If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold * If you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot * If you have a rag for a gas cap * If you've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic * If your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner * If your vet heard sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts * If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does * If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean * If you can spit without opening your mouth * If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it * If you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader * If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand * If you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota And finally.... * If your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off