A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 
(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.
 
 A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
 cup and a doughnut.
 
 A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

 A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
 enters the room.
 
 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
 
 A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
 
 A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.