180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of
difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aerial - That part of the aircraft most frequently broken off during the
walk-around preflight inspection that pilots do to see if anything is broken
off.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a
country that gives its aeroplanes names like Gipsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and
Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of
airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes
between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches
in.
Airframe - When the FAA inspector knows that you have only a student license
and sends his kids to bum a ride with you in the plane.
Air Mass - Impromptu religious service held on board an aircraft immediately
following an announcement by the pilot that he is lost, having an engine
problem, or running out of fuel.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from
Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk,
North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus
20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy
aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in
which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to
proceed to if necessary.
Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see
"Horizontally Opposed").
Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Aspect Ratio - 36-24-36.
Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his checkride.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm..
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caged Gyro - Not much more docile than a wild gyro.
Caging the Gyro - Easier with domestic species.
Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often
found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy
often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by
running out of fuel.
Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to
pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from
food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting
patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican
pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while
the pilot isn't looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other,
especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which
the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule,
collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy
aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens.
Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually
without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying
unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in
finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has
found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Cuban 8 - A family of political refugees in Miami.
Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you are.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wings.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens
automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled
with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
FAA - Fear And Alarm
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft.
Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before
giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student
pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead
batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of
money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on
the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency
landing field.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while
enroute to Hawaii.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum
permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping
bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or
attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")
Hotel - The letter H as pronounced in the phonetic alphabet. Most often
heard in intercom conversations between pilots and flight attendants.
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.
Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight
attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general
aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in
front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for
lunch at the airport coffee shop.

Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make
airworthy.
Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots
who already have trouble with knots.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his
four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous
Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to
describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an
aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose
Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the
bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to
point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental
Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the
sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the
service.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and
flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in
your business.
Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent
of "hogwash."
Pylon - All aboard!
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports.
Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the
screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the
fewest collisions wins.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill
with air.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see
"Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all
good burlesque houses in Vegas.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult
student.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.
Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross
Weight").
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late
because you spent the money on flying.
Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so
can't get it.
Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex;
suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic
Frost").
Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who
over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often
causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2.
Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft
drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo
weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by
underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon
getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without
instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.