My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a
time to reminisce. 

The long walks we used to take. The long drives.

The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend the
weekends with him. 

Oh, and the advice he used to give! Too bad much
of it was wasted because I was relatively young when he died. 

If he were alive today and passing down his gems of wisdom you could 
bet I'd be a better man. 

I would accompany him on his daily walk, and he would point out various 
things worth noticing. "That tree there is a Japanese elm. They grow 
fast." Or "During the great depression, I fed every wayfarer that 
crossed our doorstep." 

Those things were well and good, but the thing I remember the most, God 
bless him, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice came as we 
were weeding his garden. 

We were working around the peppers when he paused, looked me in the eye 
and said, "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look 
smaller."